by Sean Ivins
We’ve all been there before. The bar is closing, the employees are hating life with a disgruntled vice about their faces, yet the party goers still keep singing and buying you shots. Suddenly a song comes on as the lights are raised and everyone knows what time it is! But choosing the perfect song for this occasion can be difficult. You can be nice and send them frolicking on their merry way, or you can go about things in a more “direct” method… That’s why I’ve compiled a list of songs on the scale of 1 to 10 to get your bar cleared out. If a choice feels too friendly, just try the next song down!
1. Don’t Stop Believing – Journey
This song is the definition of classic/glam-rock inspiration. No matter how your patrons leave, they will remember to “hold on to that feeling.” This song does the job every time, but keep in mind this will result in a choir of drunken rambling, air guitar solos, and drinks being slopped from side to side as people party till the last second.
2. Why Don’t We Get Drunk and Screw – Jimmy Buffet
You know everyone’s thinking it. Jimi Buffet gets down and to the point here. Who knows? Maybe someone will take the initiative to leave your bar after the right words are articulated into the most romantic fashion. Help out those single studs, and spread the love!
3. Sunshine – Atmosphere
Atmosphere finally broke into mainstream music after such a long period in the underground. By playing any Atmosphere song, you will get the nods from hip-hop junkies and hipsters alike. This song in particular tells of what is most likely to come for your patrons in the morning as well as a happy chorus to sing while they’re riding the porcelain bus.
4. Beer, Beer, Beer
This is an old pub song about the man who invented beer. Of course we all know that man was from ancient times, but drunk people named him Charlie Hops. My room-mates and I would sing this song every time we drank together, and it never fails to inspire an Irish accent out of all its participants.
5. Closing Time - Semisonic
This song just had to be on the list. It stays ranked at #5 because you have to hate your patrons a little bit if you’re going to expose them to this song… at closing time… yet again… But regardless it is a staple of its own kind and always gets the job done.
6. I Like You So Much Better When You’re Naked – Ida Maria
Here’s another little diddy for the love birds out there. It’s perfect for inspiring them to go home and get naked. Even better, it encourages them to go home and get naked in that order! So go ahead barflies. Make some bad decisions! Just go home!
7. Friends in Low Places – Garth Brooks
This song is a played out in bars and karaoke’s alike, but in the end you will always find at least one smelly, staggering, individual who is probably missing a shoe or teeth or something singing every word with the innocence of a choir boy and a BAC higher than his GPA.
8. Show Me the Way to Go Home – (1920’s rendition)
Nothing like a dash of some 20’s music to make people realize they’re not supposed to be dancing like that anymore. No one wants to show some ankle and do the razzle-dazzle anymore. And that’s the only reason they should get out of your bar.
9. The Closing Song (Get the Fuck Outta Here) – Red Peter’s
This is probably my favorite song to hear in a bar EVER! With crafty dynamics, the chorus gets me every time. It even leaves room for your bartenders to sing along and express their true feelings.
10. King of all Kings – Hate Eternal
This is the big red button. I was in a bar at my friend’s college who had a similar approach to getting everyone out when they wouldn’t listen. Nothing says get the F*** out like some good old Black Metal. Get out your devil horns, bite some heads off, and let the hate flow through you.